This is Not About Me.....

Over the past few days I have been feeling a little worn down mentally by the treatment. The thought of a year dominated by pills and shots is a little maddening! It is a short step from there to feeling sorry for myself....doubting that I can do this......and then arriving at the most ridiculous of all rhetorical questions...."Why me?"

Once putting that question out into the air it is hard not to start moving down the path of "what does God have against me" or "what did I do to deserve this?" Today while praying I believe that God answered all these questions for me! It came to in the form of the picture below.

I believe that I have been blessed with the opportunity to make a difference in this world...even if it is a very small one. Over the past two decades God has given me everything that  I need to be a survivor. At the age of 22 I was desperate and faithless, with my spirit crushed from addictions to drugs and alcohol. Those of you who knew me then will no doubt remember how far down the slope I had slid. And yet with 1 prayer, 1 plea to God uttered in desperation moments after I was admitted to Binghamton General Hospital's detox unit, I was given a complete and total reprieve! This is the miracle of faith.Today as I edited this photo suddenly it clicked that this is not about me.

You may remember that in 2000 I began cycling as a means of raising awareness for HIV, a horrible virus which I felt was spread primarily by fear and stigma. Of course I realize that this is not really how it is spread...but this is what has allowed it to spread with relatively little resistance, as people felt that it "was not their problem". I did not know why at the time, but I was deeply moved by the hope and strength that I encountered in many of the people that I met who were HIV positive. I drew strength from watching the HIV positive cyclists, take fistfuls of pills and then get on a bike and ride for 100 miles. I had no idea that my life was running a parallel course. I took part in the AIDSRide because I needed to do something that was harder than anything I had ever done before. But the ride was much more than that. It was not about me, but about educating others about the horrors of HIV.

On July 9th 2009 I suddenly began learning about Hepatitis C, a virus that I knew nothing about and had heard no one talk about.....surely it was rare. Actually there are more than 5 times as many people in the US with Hepatitis C as HIV, a total of about 5 million people infected in our country alone!

If so many people have Hep C than why aren't more people talking about it? Amazingly because most of them don't know they have it and most doctors never order the proper screening to diagnose it!

Since so many people have Hep C there must be a great deal of support and education for people who have it. Wrong Again! One of the cruelest parts of Hep C is that due to misconceptions and stigma, most people suffer in isolation and silence...scared that people will pass moral judgment if they tell their friends that they are HepC positive.

This allows the virus to spread....under the cover of ignorance, fear and apathy.......

Which brings me back to my rhetorical question, "why me?".....

I don't believe that God gave me Hepatitis C so that I can "learn a lesson", but I do believe that God has given me opportunities to learn lessons, so that I can help others learn as well. I will not be a "victim" of Hepatitis C. I will not be silent and hide in fear and isolation. I will seize this as an opportunity to educate others.....because this is not about me. This is about the 5 million plus citizens in the United States who are living with the virus. This is about the 170 million people in the world who are living with this virus. And most importantly this is about finding a cure for the millions of people who are known as "non-responders", who cannot be cured with current treatments. Because someday I will be gone....and it is my intention to make certain that this virus will also be!

Why me? Because God has let me know that this is not about me. This is about us, trying to do what has been impossible thus far, and what some still say is impossible.

Because if you never try....you never succeed!




Keep the Faith! Kill the Virus!